What is grief?

It is not a result of weakness or moral failing, and it is not pathological or indicative of mental illness. It’s part of being human; we grieve because we are hardwired for relationship and we long for things to be better. Your feelings are normal and natural, even if they are uncomfortable. The problem is that many of us have been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural, so we are ill-prepared to process or recover from the pain of loss or change.

All losses must be grieved to varying extents.

Maybe you have sailed through a loss with relative ease, only to find that a sudden change elicits a strong response that surprises you.

It could be that your losses have accumulated, and you have some emotional work to do.

Common types of loss

  • Loss of a relationship, through death, divorce, a break-up, estrangement, or change in a role

  • Transition

  • Loss of health

  • Infertility or Miscarriage

  • Moving

  • Loss of safety

  • Loss of trust

  • Transition

  • Loss of faith

  • Job loss

  • Pet loss

  • Coping with aging

  • COVID experience

  • Retirement

the relationship is minimized or not acknowledged

the loss is minimized or not acknowledged

the griever is minimized or not acknowledged

Disenfranchised Grief

“grief that results when a person experiences a significant loss and the resultant grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned.

In short, there is no social recognition that the person has a right to grieve or a claim for social sympathy or support.”

- Dr. Kenneth Doka

As a result, there are little to no rituals to mark the loss.

Is it grief I’ve been feeling?

Our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits are all interconnected, so when we feel grief, we often experience in our whole being. It’s more than an emotion. Here are how some describe their experience with grief:

EMOTIONALLY

  • Crushed

  • Unable to find joy

  • Sorrowful 

  • Conflicted: angry, relieved, guilty

  • Brokenhearted 

  • Hopeless

  • Detached

PHYSICALLY

  • Drained & fatigued

  • Listless

  • Achy all over

  • Weighed down

  • Numb 

  • “Outside oneself”

  • Amped or agitated

MENTALLY

  • Stuck

  • Unproductive 

  • Spinning your wheels

  • Replaying events in your mind

  • Searching to replace the loss

  • Ruminating about what could have been

SPIRITUALLY

  • Pessimistic about the future

  • Preoccupied with death and despair

  • Empty 

  • Distant from God

  • Disconnected 

  • Losing faith

A symbol of hope

The prairie crocus is a humble, resilient, early-blooming flower native to the Canadian prairies. As soon as the snow starts to melt in mid-April, I eagerly watch for them as they push up through the thawing ground, a welcome sign that the dormancy and decay of the winter season is giving way to the warmth of spring with all its promise of renewal. For me, the crocus is a symbol of recovery and hope.